Correcting Misconceptions on Marriage

I must say it really annoys me (and honestly, also arouses some of my worst fears) when people who dont even know me and only have read my writing assume that I'm becoming some domesticated automaton who is losing all sense of identity and the essence that is Joya. Who is, as the word Indians so fondly use, "moulding" herself for some man she has known for all of 3 months.

Honestly, how do you know? Since I decided to be engaged, i dont think Ive written more than 5 entries. The fact that most of them may have been to do with travel plans or the rather peculiar situation of being engaged long distance - neither here nor there in terms of duties, responsibilities, rights and privileges, dwelling unwillingly in a realm of gigantic phone bills and resented longing, are precisely because this is a new situation for me. I really do feel like an anthropologist, treading in a rather foolhardy manner through a trampoline-like intercultural space that throws me up into paroxyms of bliss and also down into the depths of despair at my ever being able to succesfully transition. Trust me, however, there is ample food in this situation for anyone with a sense of irony, and this is what I'm enjoying! I'll update about this in later posts, but for now, let me stick to a defense of sorts.

Yes, so after just about a dozen entries in the last two months, how can you possibly infer that I am losing my sense of self? I havent blogged about any of my usual topics because I havent had the time to read papers, stay in touch with world events etc. The domestic world does seem boring and tame in comparison to larger events, but let me tell you, it is no less fraught with conflict and powerplay due to the inherent politics of human relations. Think of it as a study of the world on a micro-level, if you will.

Don't diss me if you are a man, sitting on your high horse and telling me that i shouldnt compromise and shouldnt sacrifice and hold on to who i am etc. All men do is put women on a pedestal, calling them superwomen, leave them there, and then deride them if they are found wanting. Maybe we're supposedly stronger than men, I dont know, I'm not sure Ive had the opportunity to see that quality in myself, but I can say this much - I'm only human. I have many failings. Like everyone else, even you, I have my fears, my woes, my inability to see things logically all the time. And they're perfectly justified, thank you very much. And even so-called liberated women who say that. Look around you. The world hasn't changed. Women still move to men's houses when they marry. Very few men are lucky enough to own their own flat/house when they marry, unless it is at a ridiculously late age. Hence, chances are, a woman will be living with his family. And then on, its simply a question of numbers. Is it more logical for one person to accomodate a little more or for a whole family of 3 or more people to? It's not about sexism, it's about practicality.

And besides, EVERYONE makes adjustments. My in-laws will have to think about sharing the car, about someone with different nutritional and cooking preferences, someone with different timings and her own hobbies, if not immediately, then eventually. My mother-in-law will have to take time out to teach me how to run a house and to meet our relatives. My father-in-law will have to take time out to teach me about work and business. My brother-in-law will be sleeping all alone. My husband has to deal with a relative stranger (albeit one he chose) with a completely different lifestyle and methods of doing things, sharing his personal space and usurping all his cupboards! He wont be able to flirt in clubs anymore (well, neither will I), or randomly hang out with whoever he chooses. We will all have responsibilities to each other, not just I alone. It's essential to remember that you're living with your family, not an enemy, and treat them as such.

Even if I did 'lose my sense of self' as it may look, is that necessarily a bad thing? Am I not absorbing a new identity, new ways of thinking that might hopefully ease my transition into a new place, a new culture, a new family with its new values? In a sense, does that then not become beneficial, both for me and everyone involved?

It's not that I'm trying to be non-confrontationalist or backing down from any stand or losing myself. I just have more things to do than hang around and entertain myself with mind exercises. Though i really love that this blog makes me think, even when I have to respond to my readers, such as are left (I feel terrible about that!), and I intend to continue doing so. It's just that its very easy for people to wax eloquent about rights and demands and personality, but I know from experience that no one is ever around to do anything but proffer unwanted opinions when your house and situation is falling apart. At the end of the day, it's up to each os us to manage our situations in the best way we know. That's exactly what I'm doing, whether it's right or not, even whether it's the best thing universally or not,and I, like any nervous newly-engaged daughter-in-law-to-be, would appreciate a little credit for that. So, if you have nothing nice or even constructive to say, then please look elsewhere for your idle entertainment.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that this is a choice I made, to marry, before my poor eggs die, a man who teases me but treats me like a princess, who adores me and indulges my opinions, who read my blog and was amused by the way I get confused by my own arguments and go overboard playing the devil's advocate, who is willing to help me transition, whose family likes me, and whose family I like, a man who looks at me with his mutable pupils and makes me feel warm, who makes me laugh even when he makes me mad, who knows exactly where all my sore and soft spots are, who has figured me out even better than my parents have.

Despite the fact that he's from a different community, the same business, the same religion, a slightly more conservative family, good-looking. Now tell me what decision YOU would take in the circumstances. Would you be able to help appreciating and adoring such a man? He surpasses all my fairy-tale-like dreams. Being with him is better than ANY relationship Ive had. He has romanced me in ways no one ever did before. He has taken an active interest in getting to know me, and in getting me to know him. So what if he lives far away? So what if I may have to give up some things and take on others? He doesnt want me to dumb down, to look ugly, to shut up, to be anything I'm not, because he knows what I AM. All he asks is for me to be more than I am,not less. And that's the point of life right? Growth. Sure, Im not sure I can handle cooking and cleaning and ironing and packing all my life, but that's the price all women pay for security, comfort, and a whole lot of happiness. I'm not any more special than any of them. Why should I not be allowed to develop these skills? Would I not need them if I were living alone anyway? So why the phizool ke prejudices?