Post-Engagement Meltdown

Oh God so much has happened in the past two months I dont even know where to begin (ok, the beginning is always a good idea but there's just too much in my head). Besides, Im sure my arranged-love story of unmythic proportions is of no interest to anyone but myself. Besides busying myself with engagement preparations, Ive also been rather furiously reading, not watching movies so much (saw Take the Lead on the flight about Pierre Dulaine introducing ballroom dancing into inner city schools and the Tango is sooooo frickin' sexy!!!! I'd love to explore the sexual tension created by strictly delineated spatial rules with my fiance wheeee! and Corporate two nights ago - I must say directors take good and proper advantage of Rajat Kapur's angled eyebrows and maliciously curling thin lips, though I got a headache looking at Bipasha's poker-straight hair tied TIGHTLY back pulling at the roots all the time. Good and sad story though. Wonder what Madhur Bhandarkar will make next - something on the glamour industry or on NGOs? We just love dirt dont we, and turning up our noses at it.)

I read Shobha De's Spouse, on marriage. And she gives some very good, commonsensical, practical advice. It's worth reading I think, and I feel a bit more prepared for marriage. I also read a sweet teenage-fluff romance novel of my mother's called the Enchanted Circle by Renee Shann, set in rural 1950's England with its sweet protagonist the 18 year old Jane staying at her aunt's house for Christmas, who falls for the dandy Geoffrey who falls for a gamourous actress, and who is also oved by Geoffrey's younger brother Andrew. Who gets te girl is the story of our lives, a time-tested, sympathy winning formula, the stuff great love stories are made of. Commonsensical and sweet. In contrast was a lovely lyrical love story set in Afghanistan called Samira and Samir by an Iran-raised Afghan writer called Siba Shakib set in the 1990's, about a girl who is raised as a boy and the stuff she goes through growing up and what happens when she is left to fend for herself and her family. Very good book.

Oh, but I was talking about engagement and change. Wow.... and what change. For some reason people tell me I sound so much happier, like Im glowing even over the phone, when I didnt think I was really. People tell me I have really changed, but maybe they could see it before I did. I dont know if I have. Certainly, Ive become more conscious of the specific changes I need to make in my thought, speech and actions - I now have a whole new set of people whose lives I impact, and thats a scary responsilbility, the weight of which has most certainly not escaped me, and one that reduced me to tears too often in front of my fiance. Thankfully that has passed, and I feel a tad more capable of handling married life and all its many challenges. For instance, on this trip, I patienly helped my mother pack, I tried my hand at a spot of ironing (only my outfit daily), and have recently (since yesterday) started learning to cook. I am trying not to think of it as a big bore, which has been the reason for my desisting an extended rendezvous in the kitchen all these years - my tryst began at 15, and in giving me in marriage to an Indian abroad, Fate seems determined to make sure I conquer the kitchen.

My life recently has revolved around shopping and its assorted follow-ups - get fall-bidding done on saris, have blouses and petticoats made, check and follow up on orders, check fits, go shopping for jewelry, go here, go there, visit people, plan the wedding and figure out gifts etc, basically the life of housewives I have looke dupon with contempt all my life. I have been drowning in intellectal stagnation all month - many were the times I wanted to blog something lovely that I saw, but didnt have a computer on hand or had too many people demanding my time and attention, not less my fiance, (but him I dont grudge one bit!). One big change has been phone calls to people who once were simply names in my life. The building and maintenance of relationships. The development of consummate tact - the universal band-aid to all relational ills. One that I do not possess in even less than sufficient measure. SIGH.

Im going back to work on Monday thank God. I have so much to catch up on, and while Im looking forward to being busy and away from the constant phone calls and noise and coordination and inefficiency of home, Im also oddly restless because Ive been on the move so much, and so dependent on other people's time to get my work done. Now I shall have no one to blame for my routine glitches but myself. I want to get back to blogging but its hard to find time to think properly and write it all out and frankly I got lazy. I guess blogging has become like working out for me - once I get out of the loop I have to make a conscious effort to get back in. Plus Ive been all depressed and listless because my fiance has gone away, (though I hope to meet him for an hour at the international airport tomorrow night between flights - though I pray I get at least 2!!!!! Funny how priorities change - I dont step out of my house to meet someone 5 minuts away for 20 minutes, and here I am about to go traipsing to the airport an hour away and back). And since today is a sort of good day and it is the first week of the month of Shravan, I have started blogging and am going back to dance class after a month-long hiatus (not of my doing!) Soon I shall upload pictures.

People really do change. And its fine when its a lovely peaceful natural process of transition, when you're able to take things in your stride, assess them maturely and compassionately, no matter how difficult they may seem to be to accept, keeping in mind what the person who is asking for this change from you means to you, and what you are with that person and that family. Then no odd is insurmountable, no change too difficult, no principle too rigid. I have always maintained that one should not cut one's nose to spite one's face, and that some sacrifice for the greater good is not only healthy, but also necessary. Otherwise one forgets one's humanity. This is all very vague but you will understand if you've ever been in such a situation or if you ever come across it. I read in my elevator (I have a very enthu building society committee that likes to post up jokes and quotes and email forwards) that Truth has a bitter beginning but a sweet ending and I have found that to be very true, especially after meeting my fiance. In arranged marriage it is difficult to confide all your deepest fears and insecurities to an near stranger, no matter how much you may like him or her, but it is necessary, not only for it cleansing properties, but also for your relationship. If your relationship weakens rather than strengthens after such admittances, then at least you have had the chance to see the not-so-nice side of your partner, and been exposed to his/her fighting style. That is once piece of advice I would give to anyone entering an arranged alliance: TAKE YOUR TIME, BE HONEST, if not in the first couple meetings, then at least before you say yes officially to your folks, and only THEN take a decision on the quality of your partner. Character should be less judged on the basis of a past than the creation of and acceptance of a future by the mature and sensitive handling of the present.

Oh, and you dont just KNOW. There is no magic spark or whatever, at least not in my experience. But there is honesty, and kindness, and consideration, and principles, and respect, and sense of humour, an a certain comfort, a space in which you can be yourself. A space in which there is laughter, but also tears, kindness, but also cruelty, togetherness, but also separation. The important thing is to acknowledge that there is no ONE, but to make peace with your past and present possibilities, and acknowledge that you have committed to someone who you will make the most important person in your life. Besides you, if you like.

Change is the rule of the universe. Commitment can be our only constant.