Marriage/Virginity/Questions/Viewpoints

Wow!!! Sorry, Ive been away and not hiding, and in a way Im glad I haven't been around to respond to each commentor indidividually because this way I have had the opportunity to read many varied, and intellligent comements at once, so thank you.

This is a very sensitive topic, and I was initially afraid to write about it, particularly make it personal in the form of mmy views and experiences, and yet, its such a small, almost quotidienne occurrence in arranged marriage, it's almost taken for granted, that people sort of rush over it and move on. Honestly, I dont know any other girl who was asked this, but then again, I dont know many girls who question things the way I do, or who aren't ashamed of voicing their opinions on something they found faulty, simply because it's 'not done'. So I wonder, is it just I who get the freaks? Or is there something about me that compels them to ask this question that they would normally not ask other girls?

To me, arranged marriage is not about making a decision in an hour and just going blindly with it, and saying yes to anyone who asks. It is simply a method of meeting a pre-approved person from the same background as one (not caste/community etc necessarily, but similar financial/religious/educational/mentality), and then figuring out for oneself if its working out or not. You know... the IT factor. The thing that pops in your brain and gives you the sign that s/he is the one. In that broad theoretical perspective, I really do believe its a great method. It gets faulty as a practice because feelings, egoes, levels of conservatism etc come in the way. (And yes, evidently I haven't met the right guy yet. But that is fodder for another post).

To clarify though, the previous post stated my rather confused views on the topic, in a jumbled up sequence. I'm not stating that sex schools need to be opened up and everyone needs to be an expert at the art of pleasing men and women, simply because there is no way to be. Even kissing, something that is generically done between young couples, whether the other explorations of affection are undertaken or not, differs from person to person. So how on earth can one person be expected to know in advance the erogenous zones of every individual on the planet? One can't. Because human beings aren't predictable in that regard. Whether one is a virgin or not, one has no experience in regard to that NEW person lying in the conjugal bed with one, and given the right affection, trust, respect, and openness and intent, that discovery is most certainly bound to pleasurable and increase love, wellbeing, relations and all that other good stuff.

To me, openness is key, whether one is himself or herself a virgin or not. Virginity isn't always a choice you know. People do pay lip-service to norms, even those who aren't, because it's safer, but a lot of the time, the presence of virginity is likely to be circumstantial. Not the right time, place, person, parents too protective. Or, to carry it to an extreme (why not?) rape. If a woman has been a rape victim in the past, she is evidently not likely to be a virgin. Hence does she qualify for that question? What is she supposed to answer? Does that make her more or less objectionable than the woman who has had sex with a partner for love? Tell me that a dirty sort of feeling doesn't occur in your mind, however hard you may try to quell it? Tell me that, as sorry as you may feel for her, how likely you are to embrace her and deal with the emotional high-maintenance, and sexual inhibitions or lack of them that are bound to arise out of such trauma? (Unless you know her for a while of course, which we are not including here. The topic revolves around arranged marriage, and a decision to be made within a week or two or an equivalent of meetings and internet chat sessions/emails/phonecalls etc.)

My logic, skewed as it may be, and correct me if I'm wrong, (but then again, we'll never know, will we, given the subjectivity of human nature?), is that a person, who DEMANDS virginity, irrespective of his or her own status, is unlikely to be very open in the first place. If s/he demands virginity because he is insecure of his/her own sexual prowess/size/width/emotional ability, he is evidently not open is he? Not open to learn, improve, develop, trust. Ultimately, a marriage is about trust, honesty and respect. A marriage should ideally be less about the past and more about the present and future.

I'm just stating that virginity, TO ME, is not a very important part of a relationship. I am as likely as anyone else, to categorise a person on the basis of his/her sexual status, and that's WRONG. In my opinion, it really has no moral bearing on a person's character at all except as defined by the rules of society. And we all know that some of society's rules have more to do with hegemony than actual right and wrong. I had a male friend tell me once that "No guy wants a girl who is a village bicycle". That sentence had me so upset!!! Especially, when given the current social setup, how likely guys are to lie about girls they have been with! It's not merely a matter of numbers (like in American Pie II when they say, "When a guy tells you teh number of girls he's slept with, divide the number by 3!"). It's when they drag names into it, girls for no fault of theirs other than having the questionable gift of being very pretty/sexy/flirtatious/glamourous. Girls who had the misfortune to be seen by some malicious persons while hugging a friend at a nightclub after a bad day and who were then spoken of as "the girl who had made out/slept with XYZ guys" because some other people disliked her for some reason.

And to respond to a debate going on between Chandni and Funkaboy, a slut is not even a satisfactory definition. Why do men and women sleep with various people? Because its fun, its a discovery not juts in physical terms but I imagine a fascinating insight into human psychology. It's about the motive, not the accessibility. A guy may work hard and spend time, money and effort on a girl, but his ultimate intention isn't noble at all. She will just be another trophy to hang up on his wall because once he is finished with her, she's been well and truly screwed hasn't she? No turning back. His intention wasn't to LOVE and cherish her forever, in which case the sex would really be secondary right? And happen naturally. And yet, a girl gets called a slut because she enjoys sex a whole lot (whether its with one guy or many - trust me, I know men sometimes call their girlfriends slutty if they want it more than the men do), even when all she's really hoping for is a steady relationship. Is Samantha from Sex and the City a slut? She's immensely liberal, just like the average urban man, and I feel sad for her because she's confused and miserable as hell and is just looking for a fulfilling relationship when all she comes across are men who want her body. Yet no one thinks of a man in that way! Women and society lap up the 'confused' story!

I guess all I want to say is, sure, everyone has a right to their views, but as long as it is not imposed on other intellligent adults. One is welcome to want a virgin, but if one is going to drop possibly the best thing that ever happened to one, on that factor alone, or think that one has the moral superiority to 'forgive' someone their experience, one is truly deluded and should not be allowed to marry for a while. (And thankfully the universe tends to keep such people single till experience knocks some sense into them! Unless it misses a few of course.) As for me, I would love to meet a guy who's just... genuinely open. He doesnt have to be necessarily good looking, or studly. I honestly dont care if he's a virgin or not. I'm not interested in knowing that. It'll be fine either way. I just don't want to be asked that, because as if being subjected to the gender norms of being a good wife isn't bad enough, he needs to make explicit his preconceived and (to me) unreasonable and ignorant notions of what constitutes a good partner! (and moreover, one who will automatically bias the weight he gives to anything i say following depending upon my answer!) Who doesnt believe that the way I behave with him is the way I behave with other people, because he has a basic understanding of human nature and know that people are different with different people.

Yes, character, morality, a good understanding of right and wrong is extremely important to a good, healthy and faithful marriage, and we all really want that, because who else other than a partner (humsafar) has the power provide one the happiness and stability so badly needed in a rapidly changing and insecure world? But happiness isn't predestined; its a chance and an opportunity, and far healthier to base on the presence of red lips parted in a soft smile than on amorphous bloodstains on a surface somewhere in the mists of the past.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments and for making me think about my stand a little more. I'm sure I'm not done yet, but, there's endless food for thought in this, with all our myriad views and understandings of our little slice of the universe!