Confession
I like to think Im a very fair person... that I give credit where credit is due and that I give as good as I get. At least, when I start to feel hurt about something, I do try to put my ego aside and put things in perspective, and eventually get over myself and back to normal.
And I discover, time and again, that it's hardest to do that when your parents are concerned, simply because there's nothing that can be objective with a relationship that's so fundamental to your upbringing and to who you are. So entwined with those very emotions that you wish to unleash against them.
I think all children and parents, indeed all humans, demand a lot out of each other. Often more than they are willing to give, though the one thing they tend to be most willing to do is shift the blame. Parents believe that children can only be happy if they follow the path their parents have dreamed for them, and children are ready to believe any failure in their life, or personal shortcoming, on their upbringing.
One thing I think that many daughters miss to some extent, is the physical affection of their fathers, who at some level will always be strong contenders for first place in their hearts, along with their husbands and sons. Daddy's little girl was so used to being thrown in the air, hugged and petted, dropped to school, cuddled while watching movies under a big family blanket on sunday afternoons, snuggled to sleep, even slapped during fights. Somehow that dynamic changes when a girl reaches puberty. It starts to feel awkward to lie in bed the same way, or to hug for too long. Fathers stop physically disciplining their daughters at this time as well. Unable to transcend a boundary that mothers and other more distant female relatives can so easily cross, and which, after a point, boys will most certainly start to cross, the father recedes into the background, only stepping up to the batting plate as Supreme Court judge when mother's high court is held in contempt. The father once again becomes distant, though he is much longed for, and is not welcomed when he starts to broach the topic of men or marriage with the daughter, because of the odd feeling the daughter gets (besides that of feeling pressurised or feeling like a commodity in the marriage market) that now the time has come to fulfil her need for physical belonging from another man.
My father is not a visibly affectionate person, and never has been. He is not romantic, demonstrative or a big surpriser. He shows his love through his eyes, his corny jokes when mom gets mad to keep the tension levels down before he himself explodes, through the standard 51 red roses he sends mom each year on her birthday. He used to buy us presents till we loudly declared that our tastes in clothes were no longer compatible. Yet we miss the simplicity of togetherness. Of just sitting around at a dining table after dinner is done, just talking. We no longer have the family card sessions to keep us together. And I often unfairly compared him to other fathers, even though I have come to respect immensely the way he works, the fairness, discipline, compassion and firmness with which he takes decisions, his intelligence and unwillingness to hold a grudge.
Last month I was at coffee with an acquaintance, and her father happened to come in with someone. He shook my hand upon being introduced to me and immediately turned his attention to his cute petite daughter, lavishing affection on her, tickling her cheeks and kissing her forehead. That affection on a 22 year old grown woman juts touched me so much that it stayed in my head, and a week later, when we were all eating dinner, I mentioned it in the hope of giving him a 'hint' (we all know women can never tell a man they love what they want them to do, because they will purposely act contrary.) My sister added that once that girl's family had been on the same flight as her, and after settling themselves they had rushed to his seat yelling "Daddy, daddy!" and had perched, one on each of his armrests. I think my voice broke at that point. How could a father such as him, so busy, still have so much time/enthusiasm/affection for his daughters? I guess I forgot to take into account different personalities and upbringings then. And the fact that one never knows what goes on inside.
Anyway, yesterday I was thinking about it, and i feel guilty. Guilty that a man who loves me so much that he tries to be extra affectionate when I'm miserable, who he takes my side against mom sometimes, who tries so hard to make me strong and capable, can be subjected so unfairly by me to selfish judgement on such a silly, superficial aspect of life. Especially given that I'm not a child anymore.
Though I know that when I need a lap to lie on, it will be mom's, I would like daddy to hold my hand and wipe my tears and tell me how precious they are.
I should probably be telling him this, right? But I cant, because I'm just like him.
And I discover, time and again, that it's hardest to do that when your parents are concerned, simply because there's nothing that can be objective with a relationship that's so fundamental to your upbringing and to who you are. So entwined with those very emotions that you wish to unleash against them.
I think all children and parents, indeed all humans, demand a lot out of each other. Often more than they are willing to give, though the one thing they tend to be most willing to do is shift the blame. Parents believe that children can only be happy if they follow the path their parents have dreamed for them, and children are ready to believe any failure in their life, or personal shortcoming, on their upbringing.
One thing I think that many daughters miss to some extent, is the physical affection of their fathers, who at some level will always be strong contenders for first place in their hearts, along with their husbands and sons. Daddy's little girl was so used to being thrown in the air, hugged and petted, dropped to school, cuddled while watching movies under a big family blanket on sunday afternoons, snuggled to sleep, even slapped during fights. Somehow that dynamic changes when a girl reaches puberty. It starts to feel awkward to lie in bed the same way, or to hug for too long. Fathers stop physically disciplining their daughters at this time as well. Unable to transcend a boundary that mothers and other more distant female relatives can so easily cross, and which, after a point, boys will most certainly start to cross, the father recedes into the background, only stepping up to the batting plate as Supreme Court judge when mother's high court is held in contempt. The father once again becomes distant, though he is much longed for, and is not welcomed when he starts to broach the topic of men or marriage with the daughter, because of the odd feeling the daughter gets (besides that of feeling pressurised or feeling like a commodity in the marriage market) that now the time has come to fulfil her need for physical belonging from another man.
My father is not a visibly affectionate person, and never has been. He is not romantic, demonstrative or a big surpriser. He shows his love through his eyes, his corny jokes when mom gets mad to keep the tension levels down before he himself explodes, through the standard 51 red roses he sends mom each year on her birthday. He used to buy us presents till we loudly declared that our tastes in clothes were no longer compatible. Yet we miss the simplicity of togetherness. Of just sitting around at a dining table after dinner is done, just talking. We no longer have the family card sessions to keep us together. And I often unfairly compared him to other fathers, even though I have come to respect immensely the way he works, the fairness, discipline, compassion and firmness with which he takes decisions, his intelligence and unwillingness to hold a grudge.
Last month I was at coffee with an acquaintance, and her father happened to come in with someone. He shook my hand upon being introduced to me and immediately turned his attention to his cute petite daughter, lavishing affection on her, tickling her cheeks and kissing her forehead. That affection on a 22 year old grown woman juts touched me so much that it stayed in my head, and a week later, when we were all eating dinner, I mentioned it in the hope of giving him a 'hint' (we all know women can never tell a man they love what they want them to do, because they will purposely act contrary.) My sister added that once that girl's family had been on the same flight as her, and after settling themselves they had rushed to his seat yelling "Daddy, daddy!" and had perched, one on each of his armrests. I think my voice broke at that point. How could a father such as him, so busy, still have so much time/enthusiasm/affection for his daughters? I guess I forgot to take into account different personalities and upbringings then. And the fact that one never knows what goes on inside.
Anyway, yesterday I was thinking about it, and i feel guilty. Guilty that a man who loves me so much that he tries to be extra affectionate when I'm miserable, who he takes my side against mom sometimes, who tries so hard to make me strong and capable, can be subjected so unfairly by me to selfish judgement on such a silly, superficial aspect of life. Especially given that I'm not a child anymore.
Though I know that when I need a lap to lie on, it will be mom's, I would like daddy to hold my hand and wipe my tears and tell me how precious they are.
I should probably be telling him this, right? But I cant, because I'm just like him.
posted by Princess Joya | 12:53 am
5 Comments:
A friday confessional and a very touching one too.
It is indeed hard to put away egos or emotions when it comes to family. Regardless of the strength of those bonds they are nevertheless hard to untangle if you will given that those are the ones we build as we grow up. Thery are very seminal and form the essence of our personality.
The tendency to assign blame may be just human or distilled from our experiences. But in certain instances I can see why there is blame and I speak of someone close and how that life got altered by decisions that were arrived thru a belief in the superiority of patriarchal decisions.
I agree with you about how that relationship b/t a father and daughter changes at puberty. However those bonds stay very strong. I can see that in how my wife *A* relates to her dad, and while she is her own woman in so many ways she still is very much her daddy's munchkin.
My father is in a lot of ways like yours. He said growing up was tough for him and that has made him the person he is. He does care for my mom, I do know that but wouldn't it be nice to demonstrate it? Wonder why a display of affection public or otherwise frowned upon by an earlier generation.
As for the experience you had with an acquaintence, I would say everyone does it differently. Every relationship has it's own dynamics and as you said who knows what else there is that we ddon't know there.
I can understand your guilt and how you feel, I live thru something similar. Maybe you can try saying it or write a nice heartfelt note in a card, a card sent for no reason other than to say what you did so well in your post.
Hey Aranyi, first, what does RIP mean?
Next....
It is a human tendency for one to compare. One compares in many ways, and one of the ways is how one's parents treat them in comparison to how other's parents treat them. This is natural. From your story, it looks like you have it much better than
a. people without a father or mother or both. That is the most awful and lonely feeling sometimes
b. In the US of A it is very common for kids to be brought up in a single parent household. Imagine how that must be, when the child cries "Where's my daddy?"
c. Alcoholism and drug abuse: Children brought up under these circumstances have serious issues sometimes.
So in lieu of everyone and their problems, I would say you have it a lot better, but sometimes you can't help feeling that way.
I agree with Karmic about not knowing what else is there that we don't know about your acquaintance. Remember, the grass is always greener on the other side.
We all reach an age where we should hopefully be over these issues about how my daddy is to me. Try and see it from his perspective, instead of saying this is how I feel. Have you wondered how he feels? Or its all about you?
Thanks Jay!
CO, RIP means rest in peace na. I know ive been unfair, and im not trying to blame anyone for anything, or even how i feel towards them, because I know i can control that if i really want to. I know I am luckier than others. But I'm also human you know! Not all righteous and perfect! ;)
Awwwww ARU such a touching post and so TRUE, although in my case my dad is exactly the opp and affectionate somehow its me who holds back! I cannot simply just be free with him in the phyiscal sense like the Warm hugs or fooling wrestling fights I have with my mom or lay on his lap mor anything!!
He says he misses how we were as kids, I feel so guilty yet somehow it is just too uncomfortable to shower that same physical bonding with ur dad as u do ur mom!!
Probably I need to change my attitude about it, but I feel all shy and embarassed when the time comes!! GOSH what is wrong with me, why am I so shy with my dad in that dept?
But a great post, truly touching and beautifully written with all its simplicity and human touch!
cheers
I know Makhtub, Im still pretty inhibited. But its nice to show affection in some way, even if its just through words, eyes or a touch of the hand. And i knew you would empathise.
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