Marriage Marketing

So many drafts to complete! But I just had to put up a fresh post, for fear that you won't scroll down to a few days ago to read the ones I will update soon! :D

Today I learnt some embarassing lessons in arranged marriage social behaviour, much to my parents' shock and dismay. Here I give all those of you who are social recluses like me a free self-help guide (read: 'common sense') to the intricate niceties involved in snaring the right kind of guy:

How NOT to Behave in an Arranged Marriage Situation:

1. Don't laugh loudly
2. Don't act too interested
3. Don't clap hands in delight
4. Always serve people, even though the servant is adept and won't let you do a thing, even if it means standing and looking useless.
5. Dont lean in towards the potential partner
6. Answer 'relevantly'
7. Don't be too frank
8. Don't wax philosophical
9. Don't be too confident
10. Don't display your tea party social skills - this is 'serious' work.
11. Don't speak too much
12. Don't come across as aggressive in any way.

Conversely:
1. Act coy
2. Ask only relevant questions
3. Speak softly
4. Display your good values

Now that I write this it all seems like delicious irony because the guy actually wants to meet me! Ironic because whoever thought social skills would be considered a fault in any situation? (The funny part is, I think I enjoy meeting guys because I always have fun with them; these are people I'd never meet as part of my regular circle, so I'm actually more animated than I normally am! - which totally ruins the point of the meeting, because I keep forgetting that boys are not to be looked at as friends. But how can I marry them if I can't have enjoyable chats with them?)

The point is, they always tell you to 'be yourself' as long as 'being yourself' involves conforming to the ridiculous standards set up by females in advertisements and Bollywood movies. What's the point of acting coy and crap when I'm actually confident and enjoying myself having a good, prolific conversation? I only look polite and coy and shit when I actually HAVE nothing to say to the people involved! It really is quite a complex ritual and one never knows where one stands. It's horrible - the suspense involved in wondering which party will call first and trying to interpret what the lack of a call means - whether the answer is 'no' or whether the other party is waiting for one to call.

Also, one thing that has allways confused me in an arranged marriage situation is: how do you know if someone is the 'one'? On one hand, everyone I know tells me that 'you just KNOW', and on the other hand people say (especially parents) that one can't get everything one wants in a person and one has to prioritise and compromise, whether on looks, money character, whatever. And then OTHER adults say, DON'T compromise. What to think? THEN people say 'looks aren't everything' and then they ALSO say, "if you don't like the way the person looks, don't meet him/her another time". I'm super confused :S

Even worse, and positively pitiful in this situation, is when one party likes the other a lot and knows that s/he wants to marry the other, while the feeling is not mutual? Then what? Doesn't it go to show that there isn't one right person for one? That marriage, arranged marriage particularly, is like a weird serendipitous strategy? 50% chance, like Baz Luhrmann says? I always want to cry at the pathos of it - that one gives up hope of ever finding someone on one's own and relies on intermediaries to do it, and then thinks one has found the person of one's dreams (or the one who matches closest), only to realise that one is not the person of the other's dreams. It's totally mental rape.

It's situations like this, and the frequency of divorces today, that sometimes makes me doubt the validity of marriage. I really do believe it's a sacred institution, but the noble values behind it - the merging of souls, the security, stability, happiness, the symbiosis that should emerge, just don't seem to be upheld anymore. And ironically, now more than ever, we aspiring, professional young people left afloat in a churning sea of technological change, need the anchor that a happy marriage can bring. Society and technology affect each other in turn, and progress is only giving rise to isolation. While the internet does open doors to the entire world for us in terms of relationship possibilities, it's also isolating us from real people in places that it's feasible for us to be in. And it's just making our expectations unrealistic in terms of life choices. When we're not willing to move to another part of our city to marry someone with a similar lifestyle and family values, are we really willing to give up everything we know for the person who comes across as perfect living halfway across the world? How feasible is that honestly? Without superhuman effort, is not such a marriage impossible to mantain? And can we not make the same amount of effort for a possibly less inspiring person closer to home? I know, I know, the person makes all the difference, but how does one KNOW? Every man is an island after all (Hi Deep!) And how many people have the guts to follow their heart? Or wait for the perfect man? The Charlotte Lucas sensibility does reside in many of my fellow women, including me sometimes - waiting and risking being a dreaded spinster is too big a chance to take, for after all what does one want in a man but security?

I contend - where is the security these days? My mother would respond - "It's up to a woman to hold a man" Yes, I volley back, but you should have that sort of chemistry - that indescribable something to make you WANT to hold him, or even 'nab' him in the first place (I'm using the colloquialism of the market here - liken it to hunting - getting a 'good catch' and all that!) To which she would say "You have to compromise" And hence we're back to square one.

(While the scientists may argue that love is merely a chemical reaction between two humans, a 2-year pheromonal dance to ensure the procreation and gestation of offspring, on which let's assume marriage is founded, we assume, or HOPE, that an emotional attachment will occur after the pheromones have faded that will ensure the longevity of the relationship). Let's face it, few of us want to be left behind. So basically we're left with a pretty brutal situation - between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes I wonder if our elders put us into this because they want us to be as unhappy as they sometimes are (subconsciously, of course), under the delusion that it builds character. I know the above statement is not necessarily true - I was just being sulky. They really do want our happiness, but in a way they can handle. But I really admire the fortitude of my parents - indeed, of any girl's parents, because it's not a pretty spot to be in. When the future of your darling daughter - the princess you have raised with everything you could possibly give - lies in your hands, in the choice of men you offer her, and in your judgement that the unsure, weeping girl will depend on - suddenly - it seems too much to handle, and you don't trust yourself enough. Can a parent ever let go? Will the parent stop blaming themselves if anything goes wrong, despite the insane amount of deliberation?

I for one, have left my life up to God (Fate seems too scary to handle - a great big mass of seemingly endless possibility that is unfortunately painfully limited to one's own choices!)

Conclusion: 1. Be yourself and 2. hope for the best! Alternatively, reevaluate yourself and your life options and repeat steps 1, and 2! (That may involve running away to another continent!)

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Here is a link from Sepia Mutiny on the Eonomics of Indian Marriage! Shocking figures, na?!