after 7 months!

wow.... i cant imagine that its been 7 months since i last updated!!!! where time flies! i think about it every month, but something or the other keeps coming up - i get busy, and its really hard to find the time to sit in front of the monitor and think up things to say in a coherent fashion that dont sound like im complaining or stressing unnecessarily. i guess im also concerned with how small and narrow my life has become, essentially revolving around my new family, home and community, how many small thing scan bother us as humans, how many emotional and societal issues affect our relationships at different levels.

i dont really want to be blogging, even though it is to a small, close group of fellow-bloggers whom i consider as sympathetic listeners and good advisers, even online friends, to some extent - about my mother-in-law, or how annoying it is to have to got a party alone, or what pissed me off today about something simply because i see larger implications to everything and offenses to my individuality etc.

its been over a year to our marriage - april 29th.
what stands out about this year -
- a lot of travelling! (thats the good part) ive been places ive never been before, and hopefully, will continue to do so for the rest of my life!
- my mother-in-law's 50th birthday in which i made her a card and wrote her a hindi poem, that im still quite proud of!
- a couple of big fights about customs in which i discovered (and this pisses me off), that the family tends to think im clueless about EVERYTHING just because i dont pay attention to some of the boring talks. everything doesnt HAVE to be a stupid societal way. I guess i have to accept that thats just the way some things are done around here, even though i find it terribly tacky. i just hope i dont become the same way!
- that some things will take a LONG time to change and i really have to have this whole "nishkama karma" attitude, which is really hard for me, because i need acknowledgement as soon as ive done something!
- that the kitchen and food-related actions really can become a battleground for women!!
- that sometimes we women ourselves spoil the men in our lives.
- that despite it all, i really dont know my husband that well.
-that im a doormat.

this saturday, for the first time, i left my husband all alone at home and went into the city to meet some people. i felt so guilty about it! my guilt was alleviated to some extent because he ended up going out for most of the afternoon anyway, but i was glad i did. last week was a time of epiphanies for me, that its necessary for me to do some things on my own to keep myself happy. im just really tired of teh community parties rubbish - and the community is so active here. my inlaws are in india at the moment - and i realised how much time we waste at home when theyre around - running errands and just sitting together pointlessly. and when i was away, my MIL called and our housekeeper told her i was out. then when i spoke to her later she asked where Id gone and i got irritated at that. As if im answerable to her about what i do even when she's not there! when I want to do something on my own, I have to coordinate days and weeks in advance, because god knows what lunch and dinner plans will crop up. and snce i dont drive yet, she doenst liek me taking public transport, which is why even on free days i hardly get to do anything. And honestly, i lost initiatie planning in the middle.

last week was also a great week because i met MY family with my husband. they are so different - it was sooo nice. to just sit and relax and not be too dressed up and eat homemade pizza and batata wada and sevpuri and have drinks instead of a slew of constant hot food thats so heavy on the tummy! to relax over cocktails for an hour or two instead of being inundated with food after food after food! my hubby probbaly doesnt appreciate what probably considers laxness and lack of hospitality and 'respect' for him from my family's side, but whatever man! i dont get to meet my family that often!!!

im going to bombay next week, and my inlaws will be there.I have reservations aboutleaving my husband alone - not that he'll go crazy or anything, jst that its so rare for us to be truly alone - without his laptop or his family! and ill be missing a whole week with him! but i guess i need to do the relative rounds iwth my MIL, finish it off so i an be completely with my parents!!!!! who i misslike crazy. I value them so much now.

I guess its harder here because i have no friends in the community. i feel i have nothing in common with them despite many of us being in similar situations - newlywed etc. Maybe i havent made much initiative, and i live a bit further from them and i dont drive, but it feels strange to be excluded from the things that girls my age do. even though im probably better off without them!

i guess that what i lack and miss here most is the culture - and that doesnt means dressing up in saris and eating indian food and bollywood dances -there's plenty of that here and i despise most of it, though im forced to be a part of it because my MIL wont take no for an answer! i miss the easy accessibility to performance culture - hindi and gujarati plays, dance class, music class - NCPA, Nehru and tejpal auditorium. Even if i do find a dance teacher, she's likely to be an hour's drive away at least, and it's going to be some time before the inlaws understand or i even summon up initiative to state that this is what i want. i miss that in Bombay we can be busy every night, and its not going to be an elaborate dressing up, pretentious, touching feet, or driving long distances affair. i miss marine drive, even though i was never really into drives and paan and all that.

whats been the hardest is me feeling angry at myself and everyone around me for making me feel like a dorrmat i guess, even though that's probably not anyone's intention. Its been hard for me to figure out when i can state what i want and expect it granted me. im not tactful, and thats a great disadvantage in a community that requires tact, sugary-sweetness, and general chaapla-newss in all its communication. i know my MIL probably feels im not quite a blessing, and i need a lot of teaching in everything, but i just dont have the patience to deal with the bullshit. get to the point already. but i guess Ill have to change with time and as my position changes as well, ill be able to have more autonomy over myself.

i do sense that its my overall inability to stand up for myself that will get me into trouble. Its all very well to be outspoken on a blog, but its quite another to be assertive in a way that doenst rub others the wrong way. and for this reason imnot ready for many things in my life. I lost a lot of self-esteem this past year, and Im slowly trying to regain it back. Hopefully this trip ot bombay will be good for me. But im scared that like last year, Ill come back with such a jaundiced view of the overdramatic filmy 1970's small-town India lifestyle here that its going to be hard for me to readjust again.

Well, here I am again... I dont know when ill return,but I do hope that I have better and smarter things to say!