Homesickness
I miss my blog being public. i miss the freedom it gave me and other people to access and acknowledge points of view other than our own. I miss being me and I miss home, which is NOT american samoa!!!!! I miss having readers submit angry, belligerent, passionate, opposing, and usually intelligent comments on my blog. I miss the many more wise, empathic and caring comments I would have received had I not shut down my blog (shout out to examples of such readers, karmic jay and Makhtub, whose wisdom and kindness and supported me tremendously in the past year).
I kinda miss being controversial. I miss having the time and freedom to write whatever I wanted, without paying heed to the consequences. But this is what reality is about. There are consequences to every action, whatever the intention may be. What i see as an expression of my personal views or a manifestation of my personal space, someone else might see as an attack. I miss thinking about things, about the world.
But marriage has given me a different perspective, and I dont know if its better or worse. Maybe sometimes its more satisfying to just be concerned about your own little world of 2 or 4 or 6 or 8. Where there is a clash between appearance and spirit - where appearance, in fact, represents spirit - in the home, as a person. I miss thinking, and my thoughts actually being progressive and spirited rather than self-absorbed and destructive.
I miss dreaming. I still want to be doing.
I miss being free, in terms of time and space.
I miss the freedom of being able to stay up as late as one wants and not having to worry about waking up the next day.
I miss wanting to wake up the next day.
I miss romance just automatically being there. I dont want to have to create it in everthing I do.
I miss not valuing anything I have. Valuing something really takes the jaan out of you sometimes.
I miss thinking originally, not having to wonder if Ive said the same thing time and again before.
I want to evolve. I want to grow. I want to change.
I kinda miss being controversial. I miss having the time and freedom to write whatever I wanted, without paying heed to the consequences. But this is what reality is about. There are consequences to every action, whatever the intention may be. What i see as an expression of my personal views or a manifestation of my personal space, someone else might see as an attack. I miss thinking about things, about the world.
But marriage has given me a different perspective, and I dont know if its better or worse. Maybe sometimes its more satisfying to just be concerned about your own little world of 2 or 4 or 6 or 8. Where there is a clash between appearance and spirit - where appearance, in fact, represents spirit - in the home, as a person. I miss thinking, and my thoughts actually being progressive and spirited rather than self-absorbed and destructive.
I miss dreaming. I still want to be doing.
I miss being free, in terms of time and space.
I miss the freedom of being able to stay up as late as one wants and not having to worry about waking up the next day.
I miss wanting to wake up the next day.
I miss romance just automatically being there. I dont want to have to create it in everthing I do.
I miss not valuing anything I have. Valuing something really takes the jaan out of you sometimes.
I miss thinking originally, not having to wonder if Ive said the same thing time and again before.
I want to evolve. I want to grow. I want to change.
posted by Princess Joya | 5:12 pm
4 Comments:
Your Majesty,
Choices do, indeed, have consequences, figuring out how to live with them is one of the most difficult things about life, I think.
Still, I think it is important for you to remember that no matter what choices you make, you have friends and family that love and support you, that want you to be happy, and that have your back, come hell or high water.
There's nothing that can be done about the past, the constant question is "What can be done about the future?"
Your humble servant,
Apollonius of Tyana
People who read you will ask you to let them continue reading. Why do you say your views have changed? There are somethings nothing can take away from you. Your views are one. Maybe you don't write in public, but so what? You still are very much you. Atleast it seems that way to me. {consider me as a long time reader?} Don't lock down your blog... Your views are perfectly justified and you'd be surprised at how many people think you put their thoughts into words. There always are people being judgmental bums - so let them judge :) Why lock down? Btw, I saw a girl in a restaurant in some place in Mass. I nearly thought it was you, but maybe it wasn't.
Salma,
That probably wasnt me. I havent really been to Mass.
Thanks apollonius!
C,
Honestly if I was given an option to just read one person in the world it would be YOU!! I do understand though you miss that carefree wild spirit that life was before, but I guess that is life and we choose our path. You choose exactly how you want it, so when it happens you should just accept it. And in case you get too unhappy you know you can always change your decision..
Of course one thing I would wish was that you were less guarded than what you are now. And I sincerely hope that you never get lost in this world of duties and traditions! I think the world will miss a GEM then. From the time I read you till date, I have only thought that what makes you unique is your sense of wisdom and practicality both in right combinations...
Your ardent loyal readers, friends shall always be there with you no matter what. And I guess you dont need to ask anyone for their inputs in this space because what you give is far more superior nothing else must matter other than you and your thoughts, this is your space, keep it as you wish.
Have a great 2008 :)
P.S: though I will honestly admit logging in to read takes much more effort from me than before when I could just waltz in here unscreened :) But hey I am glad I still can make it in here
Post a Comment
<< Home