Writing and Bondage

Here is a lovely something I found on the Times of India Editorial page today (Pg. 21) - Shabana Azmi is the guest editor for the day and therefore I have at long last ventured into the inner recesses of the paper. Here it is:

Break the bond of
custom, from the prison
of tradition escape
Delight not in your
weakness, from this
imagined delicacy escape
From these self-conjured
vows of greatness escape
It too is bondage, from
love's bondage escape.
Not only the thorn, the
flowers too emasculate
Rise my love! You have to
walk along with me.
-Kaifi Azmi

(I dont know if the line breaks are the way they are, or constrained by the width of the column). It is a lovely verse to ponder first thing in the morning, especially when one is subconsciously contemplating so many changes in one's life that mark one as a product of one's gender and its supposed duties before even one's status as a human or a thinking being. (well, that was a bit dramatic, but hey, this is a polemic).

How much, we as humans, both men and women, are constrained by our roles purely on the basis of our biological sex! Constrained, repressed, and on top of that, held responsible. Where a man is forced to be a breadwinner fitting a particular mould, strong and relatively unemotional and protective and all that, while a woman is similarly restrained by having to be coy, emotional, soft and domesticated. When being practical and forthright is considered being rude/rebellious/unemotional, when even this new tag of a woman being 'superwoman' puts undue pressure on women to perform more duties than they ever have - at home and at the workplace, looked down upon if they fail in either, and on top of everything, to look good and perpetually be cheerful. When women these days are smiled at pitifully if they choose to be housewives or if they choose to work and delay children - when implications are put on income, health, relationship, fertility, family - its just not fair. Being a man or woman, a husband or wife has become harder than ever. Add to that the additional/different expectations when roles are differentially defined (even in degrees) on the basis of community - endogamy being such a relative and exclusive term at the same time in India, and the pressure just hits the roof.

How much shit are men and women supposed to take in a relationship in the name of that elusive emotion love - an emotion neither quite knows or understands but is expecting, ot at least hoping - to feel, because each has been told it will stand you through every ordeal. When does one stop and think of one's self-respect. Yes, I know everyone says that in love the self no longer exists, so there is no question of the respect, but we are very egoistic humans and not merging with a being we can have faith in without ever having seen - by simply believing that fate and our karma is evidence of his hand on our heads - its very difficult for us to have faith in each other without it being proved! And when the proof itself is given on the basis of fear or a lack of power or a simple, though imaginary obligation, it is rendered that much less potent. There then arises the need for a more willig proof, and one that may well take years to arrive.

And boy do i know all about that! When between Gujaratis and marwaris - a state apart literally - practically neighbours, but absolute aeons apart in their hinking and upbringing. And its not necessarily about one community being more old-fashioned than the other - every community has arcane customs that made sense in a long-forgotten time but no one remembers why anymore - its about the differences. When something is ok in one community but not in another - which belief/superstition is followed? When is tact required and when a firm change? When the line between abhimaan and swabhimaan is so fine and therefore so misunderstood, when pride is the overrriding emotion, sometimes over common sense, as is often the case when both are at threat, who steps back and looks at the context? When both have insecurities, who moves ahead to resolve them?

When does it ever become possible to step back, say, "All this is an illusion and really doesnt matter in the long run, it is indeed really very silly and wont make a difference in the way I see and respond to you". Is it possible for a human to say and do that unless s/he is very wise indeed? Sometimes I feel that I am much wiser than everyone I know, and sometimes it is so easy for me to be emotionally swayed and get impulsive and say things that hurt people simply because I am fearful or insecure. And a lot of it is because of the ego, I know that. Its difficult for me to step back and not be 'worldly' when everyone expects me to be, and be tactful to boot. Thankfully I am the kind of person whose balance gets restored in a matter of minutes so it is easy for me to see the larger perspective, and all it tells me is that marriage and the customs and rituals surrounding life are very silly things indeed and created only to give security to little-minded people who are afraid of the world beingpulled from under their feet. Gross generalization I know, and by marriage I dont mean the institution - that is, the meeting of 2 souls and lives to spend and experience life and its trials together - i mean the superficial nonsense that people grumble so much over, by the control people - both sides - try to take of decision making, assets, power, authority, rituals, whatever.

Sometimes I wonder if the increase in broken engagements, in divorces, in later marriages, is actually a confused emerging form of idealism - the search for the soulmate despite all odds, braving traditional monogamous conventions. I wonder if the breakdown in the traditional institution and understanding of marriage simply means that the new one that may arise in its place - in bits and spurts over the next couple of centuries - if the world doesnt go Republican on itself all of a sudden, as seems to be the trend (Isnt it silly? The world stretches its collective limits, and then gets scared and runs back way within its boundaries, afraid of its implications and afraid to confront its mistakes - this century could well be a collective adolescence period for the world) - may actually create a purer, more distilled idea to marriage - one that gets rid of all the nonsense surrounding it, and only leaves the man and woman (or man and man and woman and woman hopefully) to make their way in the world together.

But then I think about family and the emotional baggage that always comes with the individual - and the fact that everyone thinks that "If i find the partner I can love, I will do anything for him/her", and then I wonder, do you meet someone you can love or do you just have to love someone you meet? Is the soulmate made or born? I dont know. I'm confused and dont know if I should take chances or stick to my guns. Or should I just become a nun? The human dilemma really.

God/fate/Paramatma has a funny sense of humour. S/He knows I love Hindi and Urdu and stuff so s/he found me a North Indian, s/he knows Im fascinated by anthropology and different cultures and is so tying me to a differnet community, providing endless fodder for amusement, annoyance and fascination (if I can step back and be objective, that is), thinks I am too outspoken and rebellious so is tying me with someone far less so - also someone far more sensible and realistic, which is a good thing though I get impatient with that. Maybe I will be their Maharshi Karve, I dont know, or maybe I will be their Rani of Jhansi.

You know what I feel like singing? From Mary Poppins

"Cast off the shackles of yesterday,

Shoulder to shoulder into the fray,

Our daughters daughters will adore us

and they'll sing in grateful chorus

'Well done! Sisters Suffragette'"

Also my favourite line in the song... not to alienate the part of the population that reads my blogs but we're being subversive yaar! Its allowed ok!

"Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid"

Hehehe.

I find that rather true. They are so busy being pompous when they get together that all that emerges is really self-congratulations and a whole bunch of air and dirty work for the rest of us. At least we women clean up after ourselves.

P.S. Also a superb quote in the Times of India today "It is said that power corrupts, but actually its more true that power attracts the corruptible"

Is it a good thing or bad that I dont like to be in a public leadership role? Id rather do my own thing and be left alone.