The Year That Was (2004-2005)

Kenny Sia reminisced about the past year yesterday (yes, his birthday is the same as mine! Turns the same age too!) Thought it might be useful for me to do the same.

Significant events of the year:
- October 2004- June 2005: Discovered the exquisite beauty of England that made me realize what the poor imperialists stuck in the midst of our tropical vegetation longed for! Rolling hills of cool green, exquisite flowers and placid smiling hedges, the warm brown of farmhouses and stone castles, cows grazing peacefully away from the main road!
- Lost some weight after a lot of sweat and tears.
- Entered and left a relationship that was to be a turning point in my life
- February 2005: Spent a little less than a week in Chicago just sleeping and realizing how exhausted from depression and breakup I was, and being soporifically amazed that the effects of someone could take such a toll on my body and mind.
- Post-February 2005: Made more friends in Bath

- Went to Basel for a fun, chocolate and intimacy-filled trip and anticipation for a new, liberated semester.
- Discovered the joy of spontaneity through long walks at night through the hills on a few minutes’ notice, and last-minute Sunday afternoons plans here.
- June 2005: Returned to Mumbai
- Cried a LOT for relationships that could not be because of the misfit of time/place/person/inclination, while feeling like a stranger in the city of my birth.
- Witnessed my sister’s engagement being finalised.
- Wrote the first thesis of my life ever (30,000 words wowie!)
- Slept 12 hours in 3 days for the first time ever, pulling thesis writing and editing all nighters on green tea (which I also discovered the potent power of this year)
- Engaged in some serious dance training and realized how far I have to go.
- Started work.
- Started my blog!
- Started reading seriously again.
- Most importantly, discovered the power of will and determination to make changes to my life.

This year was as volatile as any other, more so because of the urgency I felt in living my life before it ended and I was tied forever to a person (not any specific person) who would dictate the way I was to live (yes I can sometimes have very melodramatic views of things, and while it seems exaggerated now, it certainly seemed true at the time). What influenced me was a teamworking seminar I had attended, in which the coordinator showed us videos of Olympic and paralympic athletes, of the determination they had and the struggles they undertook, and the complete trust they had on their coaches, and their patience in seeing the result. The thing about the reward tasting all the sweeter after toil I guess. I will never forget what one athlete said, that it takes a lot of trust to start something in October, knowing that the result may not show up till july. And I realized how impatient I had been about things in my life, particularly about losing weight, perpetually giving up hope too quickly. This faith, coupled with the desire to be more attractive to my bf, made me embark on a determined fitness regimen. I’m really glad I had the faith and patience to see it through. I’d walk up the hill to uni daily, exercise at the gym for an hour or two, and walk to the furthest grocery stores and back for provisions. I delighted in healthy meals, and didn’t give up my favourite chocolates and cheese, though I maintained control over chocolate intake for the first month or so. I discovered my great love for muesli, the taste of naturalness in crunchy nuts, dry fruits and whole grains, and my addiction to fibre. I’d be tired every day, but that resulted in the superb sleep that I am missing out on now. Controlling my weight became a bit of an obsession, and a result of the paranoia a long-distance relationship with lack of trust and hence security can create. I wouldn’t eat for at least 4 hours before bedtime… trust me, VERY healthy, and keep away my hunger with glasses of hot water and maybe a few nuts (VERY HEALTHY again).

But it worked…. Everyone was raving in only 2.5 months about how fabulous I looked. I kept on at the regime even after the breakup, because I discovered that whatever else may have happened, he had motivated me to do something I never really believed I could – lose weight. And you can’t imagine the years of humiliation I’ve had to suffer with concerned but cruel relatives talking about my weight (and I wasn’t even fat). I guess love (or as close to it as what I felt for him was), really did make all the difference.

Working out regularized my routine, gave me stability, and the fabulous exhausted endorphin rush that a killing workout can give. I was sick less, even in the height of winter, and had the most stamina I’ve ever had.

After my breakup, I developed the confidence to go out, encouraged by my well-meaning friends who stood by grieved that a confident carefree girl like me could let herself be damaged, and made male friends after ages, people who had actually been to intimidated to talk to me, who enjoyed my mind, and were not concerned with my body as my ex had feared. It was incredibly liberating, to engage with people on an intellectual level unhampered by mental and irrelevant inhibitions. I wrote two scathing essays for class yearbook that I was delighted by, because I’ve never really had the guts to submit something that was anything like a social critique, besides being I’ve always been afraid of rejection and looking stupid. But it was well-received. So Life was Beautiful.

On my return in June, of course I had to deal with little bits of culture shock, and some general unhappiness, besides dealing with the fact that I, the older child, wasn’t the first to get engaged as normally occurs in the natural order of things, which naturally was unsettling for everyone. I felt like Katherine the shrew from Shakespeare’s play, and I even made a few near-mistakes that God saved me from thankfully, before I realized I wasn’t even ready or inclined in that direction for a while. So I’ve been sitting relatively unconcerned and happy.

I started this blog as a rebellious act, from the cloisters of traditional society, to make my voice heard somewhere, preferably in a way where being me would be appreciated, despite, or maybe because of my supposedly radical views. It’s been tremendously disciplining and more of a harrowing commitment than my work because I really do try to put in as many posts as possible.

I’ve been meeting interesting people, who are doing things with the lives given to them, and have been encouraged to do the same with mine. Slowly, step by step, I’m beginning to come into my own. Here are my lessons from those days of darkness that only I could see amidst the light around me:

I learnt that there are some habits/attitudes/beliefs I simply cannot accept, and some that I’m surprised by my willingness to.
I learnt some more from my process of elimination what I can take in a guy and what I cannot.
I learnt the importance of communication, and more so, of TRUST, in relationships.
I’ve learnt that I am my most precious possession, indeed, my only possession, and that I cannot let anyone walk all over me, and that I have the power, through my attitude, behaviour and voice, to determine whether they will or not.
I’ve learnt that within certain parameters (destiny, bad luck, another individual’s will against mine), I am the make of my own destiny.
Ive learnt that people don’t change unless the desire to do so comes from within. You certainly cannot be a moral police/behavioural eugenicist towards them (you read that phrase here first!)
I have discovered that there are some things I cannot change, some I can, and that many of these problems with reconciliation stem partly from my perception of them.
I’ve discovered for myself (which makes all the difference between blind faith and true belief), that some proverbs and situations are timeless for a reason. Such as the one that states that great beauty is only created as a result of tremendous suffering. And that I have yet to blossom into a creation to be proud of.
Ive learnt that good sleep only comes from inner peace, and inner peace comes from decisiveness.
Ive learnt that happiness truly is a state of mind.

So I’m beginning to approach things (or beginning to see that I should) in a mature patient fashion, giving my work a fair chance, and viewing my relationships and inevitable marriage/family/kids/womanhood not as a sacrificial lamb on the cruel altar of the anonymous ghosts of tradition but as an equal, with a voice, with a will, with an identity. And I demand and expect the same from those I interact with.

And that makes all the difference.

Thank you, for making me walk through the metaphorical fire of unquestioning oobedience so I may emerge in glory like a phoenix with the help of my family – flame-coloured, liberated and glowing with new understanding.

*Background score of Jamelia’s Thank you*

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Random Observation: For the first time in MONTHS, well, since I met someone, I slept well last night. Maybe it was the delicious wine and shot that I had with my Sunday dinner, after AGES, maybe it was the relief that I didn’t get depressed this birthday as I have for the past five years – I was a bit lethargic, but a lot of people called/mailed that I was expecting/happy to hear from, I ate lots of good food and actually got SICK of chocolate by the end of it! I felt… good. Today, I feel at peace. I keep coming round to the same conclusions and decisions in circles… maybe it’s time to take a stand (hehe… an astrologer said my mind would stop being restless after my birthday – maybe it’s psychological?)

Random Observation 2: Mothers of sons tend to be slimmer than mothers of daughters or mothers of children of both sexes. Wonder how? Maybe it’s the stress and running around that boys put them through, with either their lackadaisical last-minute manner or their fastidiousness.