What is Love?
The last 10 days or so Ive been watching videos of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s (of the Art of Living Foundation) commentary on the Narada Bhakti Sutras. It’s a series of a little over a dozen videos (well, VCD’s really) taped live at his ashrams worldwide as he explains the meaning of love as described by Narada, messenger of the Devtas. He is a good speaker, amiable and lucid and interesting, with an ability to relate to the audience and make funny intercultural observations. He basically reads a couple of verses and explains them through anecdotes, examples and phrases – making them very user-friendly. Still though, a seemingly light discourse does weigh on the mind, which is why his commentaries are rarely longer than 45 minutes.
What I like about the Art of Living courses and discourses, as Ive said before, is that they make the scriptures very easily accessibly to us, the laity, because educated and intelligent as we may be, we are still a very impatient, very immature people, who are not capable of absorbing the very compressed wisdom of our books in their entirety, or in the way they should be interpreted – as positive, as catholic, as a practice. You know? A way of life, not mere M. Phil theory. Like we all know in theory what the Gita says and the concept of karma and dharma and this and that but it doesn’t really mean anything unless we know how it affects our lives and how to apply these concepts in a way as to improve ourselves. Few of us have that kind of developed clear understanding as to not need any guidance.
Anyway, Id like to talk about a few of the pearls of wisdom I remember – there’s just so much in them that Im sure Ive already lost many of the lessons. And the beauty of these lessons is that each individual will probably remember a different part – what s/he feels is relevant to his/her life. And that different parts will be attended to and absorbed at different phases of one’s life. Rendering these lessons timeless. So here’s a bit of my own commentary on the commentaries - .1% of what was in them!
Love. A word abounding in clichés, in praise, in description. Yet the dictionary hasn’t managed to find a satisfactory definition for it. We all know it, we’ve all experienced it, we’ve all deplored it and celebrated it, yet we cant describe it. And sometimes cant even express it sufficiently. Love knows no boundaries – it is the greatest virtue, the greatest equalizer. Love is universal, and greater than truth. I know in theory many would be to differ. Sri Sri says that if you love someone so much that you can’t bear the thought of hurting them, you are very unlikely to tell them the truth about something and see them get hurt. And I’m sure we’ve seen that in our lives. When someone we love very much tells us a truth that may be bitter, we get hurt, however much we wanted to hear that truth in the first place, and that hurt only serves to pain our loved one more, and this entire cycle could have been avoided. Which is not to say that sometimes its not necessary, just that truth wont win against love.
What we associate with love is only a feeling, restlessness, desire, the inability to bear separation, the longing for union. Love cannot exist without an initial attraction, a longing caused by the thing/person being difficult to attain (absence makes the heart grow fonder?), and then attachment. Yet love is different from lust, which only causes feverishness. Love creates steadiness. Even if there is no love in the first place for something, consistent exposure to that object or person will cause attachment to that thing, even though it may initially have been an object of desire in the beginning.
When love is about possession, it is not love, but lust. It is impossible to possess someone fully, when we don’t even know and cant possess ourselves, cant control our own thoughts and emotions and actions. When you demand love from someone, try to assert control, the love diminishes. Love is not about power. Nothing matters in love – it is unconditional. Free from worries about the past and future. In fact love is the one thing we should take for granted. Not take advantage of, mind, but remain in peace in the security that we are loved. That many people’s actions and words towards us, however undesirable they may be, stem out of love, that the intention is more important than the action. Then it is easy to forgive, to understand, to be compassionate, to take life and its trials in our stride.
The greatest destroyers are our hankerings after sex, money and prestige. We don’t need to renounce the world and our desires, but it is far healthier to work constructively towards our goals of kama, artha and dharma without getting so involved in them that we turn into perversions of ourselves. Also destructive are the emotions of anger, jealousy, greed, envy, pride, maya. If we must have these emotions, we must channel them positively to make ourselves the best person we can be, and this can only be done by sacrificing the fruit of our actions. By not worrying about what we will get out of anything or anyone because whatever we need will always be provided, as long as we continue to work for our goals. That is true love.
This is the stuff that I remember because it is so relevant to me in my life. How many times I grumble about the gifts I get, when I should be grateful that im getting them in the first place? When Im so loved that someone is thinking about me when they see something in a shop, or listen to music or watch a movie or read a book? When my mother shouts at me, lectures me, advises me, teaches me things, I don’t realize that she loves me so much she never wants me to suffer in the future – all I hear are her harsh words. Sri Sri says that if you are slapped or chastised by a guru in the ashram, you will never experience such humiliation anywhere in the world. The same goes for a mother, if we only would learn her lessons, boring and annoying as they may be.
I constantly think of Krishna and Radha and the Gopis and Geetagovinda when I hear these discourses, and their concept of love. I have experienced that, the pain and intense annoyance of viraha - separation – when time zones and the cost of phone calls and plane tickets seriously hamper my almost hourly impulse to tell him something Ive seen or heard or done, to bitch about someone or cry over something or chatter excitedly about something else, or just bug him because Im bored! Yes Ive had the feverish desire and passion and all that, but at the same time Id like to think the easy camaraderie, even the irritation that comes from the security and immense comfort I derive from this relationship, whatever the other good or bad parts are. Yet, it never fails to amaze me that this relationship that I share and enjoy is the product of a pretty arbitrary decision to make this man my life partner. There’s nothing special about us that makes us perfect for each other and not for anyone else – there are thousands of people out there whom we could possibly meet and be attracted to and want to spend our life with – but that’s irrelevant now. Yes, we were attracted to each other and we did miss each other when we were apart, which helped greatly with our decision, but anything that’s worthwhile takes a lot of work and persistence and sincere effort, and human relationships are no different. And that’s what we’re doing, and its heartening to know the little ways in which are efforts are starting to see fruit. But its still a pretty rollercoasterish ride!
In fact, I was catching up with an acquaintance the other day and he was describing himself as Devdas because of the intensity with which he had liked someone over a year ago. I told him to get over it, that if someone has no time for you and doesn’t value you theyre not worth the trouble you take for them. If you’ve given them the opportunity to return your affection and they choose not to, there’s nothing left but to move on. Why let them get in the way of your future relationships? And for what? There’s no need to constantly bemoan them because something better for you is out there, whether you think it is or not, and there’s no need to constantly evoke them because the lessons they have taught you have already filtered into your being through the pain you may have felt, whether you see it or not. Today Im the product of my experiences, and I like to think Im a better person for it and am more fit to be a fulfilling partner than I may have been before.
And that’s why its important to value what you have and just give of yourself freely in love. To love unconditionally and feel no ego. Today my fiancé and I had a tiff and after an hour or so, though I was still angry I said sorry, while trying to reason out his point of view. After I sent that text, I discovered my anger has disappeared. And it was a big relief. To realize that silly fighting is futile and that some sacrifices are not big at all. That’s another thing Sri Sri explained. That our ego gets in the way so much – we’re constantly trying to keep the power dynamic in our favour, and that our lives are governed by fear – fear of being hurt, dominated, losing our importance – and this is one I feel – in my transition phase from being at the top of the food chain in my house as a daughter, to being near the bottom as a daughter-in-law (well, not really, Lakshmi aa gayee and all that), but just trying to integrate, and panicking at the differences sometimes – there’s no need to be afraid. He says not to worry, to relax and live life because we are loved and provided for. And its true. When we are ruled by fear, we act in a defensive way, which leads to aggression on the other’s part, perpetuating the cycle and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hence we just created pain for ourselves.
Our love can last a lifetime and we stand most to be rewarded by it, if only we have faith. In ourselves and the divine that makes things happen just the way they should.
Incidentally, my hair is a mess. I need a trim.
What I like about the Art of Living courses and discourses, as Ive said before, is that they make the scriptures very easily accessibly to us, the laity, because educated and intelligent as we may be, we are still a very impatient, very immature people, who are not capable of absorbing the very compressed wisdom of our books in their entirety, or in the way they should be interpreted – as positive, as catholic, as a practice. You know? A way of life, not mere M. Phil theory. Like we all know in theory what the Gita says and the concept of karma and dharma and this and that but it doesn’t really mean anything unless we know how it affects our lives and how to apply these concepts in a way as to improve ourselves. Few of us have that kind of developed clear understanding as to not need any guidance.
Anyway, Id like to talk about a few of the pearls of wisdom I remember – there’s just so much in them that Im sure Ive already lost many of the lessons. And the beauty of these lessons is that each individual will probably remember a different part – what s/he feels is relevant to his/her life. And that different parts will be attended to and absorbed at different phases of one’s life. Rendering these lessons timeless. So here’s a bit of my own commentary on the commentaries - .1% of what was in them!
Love. A word abounding in clichés, in praise, in description. Yet the dictionary hasn’t managed to find a satisfactory definition for it. We all know it, we’ve all experienced it, we’ve all deplored it and celebrated it, yet we cant describe it. And sometimes cant even express it sufficiently. Love knows no boundaries – it is the greatest virtue, the greatest equalizer. Love is universal, and greater than truth. I know in theory many would be to differ. Sri Sri says that if you love someone so much that you can’t bear the thought of hurting them, you are very unlikely to tell them the truth about something and see them get hurt. And I’m sure we’ve seen that in our lives. When someone we love very much tells us a truth that may be bitter, we get hurt, however much we wanted to hear that truth in the first place, and that hurt only serves to pain our loved one more, and this entire cycle could have been avoided. Which is not to say that sometimes its not necessary, just that truth wont win against love.
What we associate with love is only a feeling, restlessness, desire, the inability to bear separation, the longing for union. Love cannot exist without an initial attraction, a longing caused by the thing/person being difficult to attain (absence makes the heart grow fonder?), and then attachment. Yet love is different from lust, which only causes feverishness. Love creates steadiness. Even if there is no love in the first place for something, consistent exposure to that object or person will cause attachment to that thing, even though it may initially have been an object of desire in the beginning.
When love is about possession, it is not love, but lust. It is impossible to possess someone fully, when we don’t even know and cant possess ourselves, cant control our own thoughts and emotions and actions. When you demand love from someone, try to assert control, the love diminishes. Love is not about power. Nothing matters in love – it is unconditional. Free from worries about the past and future. In fact love is the one thing we should take for granted. Not take advantage of, mind, but remain in peace in the security that we are loved. That many people’s actions and words towards us, however undesirable they may be, stem out of love, that the intention is more important than the action. Then it is easy to forgive, to understand, to be compassionate, to take life and its trials in our stride.
The greatest destroyers are our hankerings after sex, money and prestige. We don’t need to renounce the world and our desires, but it is far healthier to work constructively towards our goals of kama, artha and dharma without getting so involved in them that we turn into perversions of ourselves. Also destructive are the emotions of anger, jealousy, greed, envy, pride, maya. If we must have these emotions, we must channel them positively to make ourselves the best person we can be, and this can only be done by sacrificing the fruit of our actions. By not worrying about what we will get out of anything or anyone because whatever we need will always be provided, as long as we continue to work for our goals. That is true love.
This is the stuff that I remember because it is so relevant to me in my life. How many times I grumble about the gifts I get, when I should be grateful that im getting them in the first place? When Im so loved that someone is thinking about me when they see something in a shop, or listen to music or watch a movie or read a book? When my mother shouts at me, lectures me, advises me, teaches me things, I don’t realize that she loves me so much she never wants me to suffer in the future – all I hear are her harsh words. Sri Sri says that if you are slapped or chastised by a guru in the ashram, you will never experience such humiliation anywhere in the world. The same goes for a mother, if we only would learn her lessons, boring and annoying as they may be.
I constantly think of Krishna and Radha and the Gopis and Geetagovinda when I hear these discourses, and their concept of love. I have experienced that, the pain and intense annoyance of viraha - separation – when time zones and the cost of phone calls and plane tickets seriously hamper my almost hourly impulse to tell him something Ive seen or heard or done, to bitch about someone or cry over something or chatter excitedly about something else, or just bug him because Im bored! Yes Ive had the feverish desire and passion and all that, but at the same time Id like to think the easy camaraderie, even the irritation that comes from the security and immense comfort I derive from this relationship, whatever the other good or bad parts are. Yet, it never fails to amaze me that this relationship that I share and enjoy is the product of a pretty arbitrary decision to make this man my life partner. There’s nothing special about us that makes us perfect for each other and not for anyone else – there are thousands of people out there whom we could possibly meet and be attracted to and want to spend our life with – but that’s irrelevant now. Yes, we were attracted to each other and we did miss each other when we were apart, which helped greatly with our decision, but anything that’s worthwhile takes a lot of work and persistence and sincere effort, and human relationships are no different. And that’s what we’re doing, and its heartening to know the little ways in which are efforts are starting to see fruit. But its still a pretty rollercoasterish ride!
In fact, I was catching up with an acquaintance the other day and he was describing himself as Devdas because of the intensity with which he had liked someone over a year ago. I told him to get over it, that if someone has no time for you and doesn’t value you theyre not worth the trouble you take for them. If you’ve given them the opportunity to return your affection and they choose not to, there’s nothing left but to move on. Why let them get in the way of your future relationships? And for what? There’s no need to constantly bemoan them because something better for you is out there, whether you think it is or not, and there’s no need to constantly evoke them because the lessons they have taught you have already filtered into your being through the pain you may have felt, whether you see it or not. Today Im the product of my experiences, and I like to think Im a better person for it and am more fit to be a fulfilling partner than I may have been before.
And that’s why its important to value what you have and just give of yourself freely in love. To love unconditionally and feel no ego. Today my fiancé and I had a tiff and after an hour or so, though I was still angry I said sorry, while trying to reason out his point of view. After I sent that text, I discovered my anger has disappeared. And it was a big relief. To realize that silly fighting is futile and that some sacrifices are not big at all. That’s another thing Sri Sri explained. That our ego gets in the way so much – we’re constantly trying to keep the power dynamic in our favour, and that our lives are governed by fear – fear of being hurt, dominated, losing our importance – and this is one I feel – in my transition phase from being at the top of the food chain in my house as a daughter, to being near the bottom as a daughter-in-law (well, not really, Lakshmi aa gayee and all that), but just trying to integrate, and panicking at the differences sometimes – there’s no need to be afraid. He says not to worry, to relax and live life because we are loved and provided for. And its true. When we are ruled by fear, we act in a defensive way, which leads to aggression on the other’s part, perpetuating the cycle and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hence we just created pain for ourselves.
Our love can last a lifetime and we stand most to be rewarded by it, if only we have faith. In ourselves and the divine that makes things happen just the way they should.
Incidentally, my hair is a mess. I need a trim.
posted by Princess Joya | 5:42 am
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