Worlds

Funny how events around you just pass you by when you are engrossed in the mad workings of your inner world. I was similarly inward-orientated all this week after my aforementioned existential crisis about life and love post-The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and thus embroiled in a stew of assorted emotions, that I didnt bother, (as I still haven't) to read the news about the Mandal Commission II and suchlike nonsense. Funny how none of that seems relevant sometimes.

Many people claim to love Bombay. I love it too, theoretically. In my mind, I romanticise the city the way so many do, the hustle and bustle, the openness,the opportunity, it's resilience and spirit despite crazy monsoons, an inefficient municipal corporation and the Shiv Sena.

In my mind, Bombay is people-less, and I am alone, untouched, walking with a 3-foot golden glow about me. The air is clean, the breeze is cool and mild, and the traffic orderly. Monuments and heritage structures - the Franco-Portuguese houses in Bandra, the institutes at Dhobi Talao, Kala Ghoda, Fort, are maintained in all their exquisite splendour. Old houses haven't been torn down to make way for swanky new Doric buildings with miniscule parking spaces in narrow residential/commercial lanes - think Laburnum Rd and Babulnath. Gardens and green spaces, not to mention cricket and football grounds, aren't being disputed over or sold. Dandiyas and assorted festivals continue till well-past midnight. Frenzied participants, though at the peak of euphoria, are respectful and relatively quiet in residential colonies.

There is no grime and dust rising from broken, uneven, ignored, dangerous pavements to irritate my eyes. There is no communalism. My maid will eat, and not throw away the kheer my mother's Muslim friend sends us on Eid. People pack take-aways in restaurants to either eat at home or to give to beggars. There are no beggars. The airport is clean, cool and well-maintained, where food doesn't cost ridiculous amounts. There are no eve-teasers or catcallers. There is no pointless bureaucracy, and service given with a smile. There is minimal haggling on the streets, and no bribing. There is no corruption, empty threats, no men randomly lying down in front of one's car and claiming one ran them over in order to get money out of one. There are no annoying crowds of bystanders. People do not throw their garbage on the streets. Children are taught civic sense and respect for property in schools. Children are IN school.

Street food still maintains its bambaiya character. There is justice, irrespective of the status or financial position of the defendant. The punishment is in keeping with that prescribed by law. Law changes with the times, yet maintains its original character. Crimes are minimised because effective deterrents are found for them.

People are protected not by belated/compensatory/nominal measures or statutes, but solutions are actively seeked and found over a long and painstaking process involving a lot of common sense. The root of the problem is found, rather than simply nipping away at some cancerous leaves.

Bombay would no longer be Bombay then. It would be Utopia or someplace wonderful.

I sit my idealism? Is it my karma or something? I feel ennui to have to make the effort to pack and leave, and mild stress about documentation, cash etc, but when I sit in the plane and land in that foreign country, I feel so happy and have already left Bombay far behind! I dont missit at all, despite most of my friends and family being there. It is with great reluctance that I leave. The lights of Bombay by night reflect the wondrous magnitude and density that is this city, but upon leaving the plane, besides sailing through the immigration line, which has VASTLY improved in terms of efficiency and speed, everything else is hot, dusty, speckled with gray, and depressing.

On my way home, I feel immensely depressed. Guilt grows in me, resented, yet a gnawing reminder of the reason for my existence and my duties, much like an unwanted child growing in the womb of an unmarried woman whose only mistake was to wish to experience life on her terms, and yet who, no matter how hard she tries, is humanly unable to kill it. It lasts a few days, manifests itself in various ways, and then gets suppressed as a natural human defence mechanism, to enable one to function 'normally'.

Freud has debated about normal and abnormal, and how it is a scale, not a nominal categorisation. Who defines it? Society? If I were a libertarian, which I am only in relation to myself (if there is such a thing), I would have to attribute common sense and a sense of justice to society, of which individuals, when questioned, seem to have enough of, but when in a group, are reduced to an inchoate mass of imbeciles, where only the loudest is heard, acknowledged and acted upon.

Democratic process is slow. I understand. But slow and steady wins the race, and one has to think long-term. One has to often sacrifice one's own interests in the initerests of the group, whether one likes it or not. Is the interest of the group always right. Often not, though it should be. Adjustment/sacrifice should only involve some amount of inconvenience, not a blatant difference in principles, or fairness. And such action should take place without ego. Which is probably the hardest thing to let go of in our era.

Are laws, statutes, customs, social pressure necessary for mankind? Is man simply not capable of existing without killing his fellow man? Evidently not. Man is greedy. He has not only a survival instinct, but an acquisitory one. But that is a different tract. On the plane of emotions/the spirit/social security, where has there been this emphasis on positivity, even though it may merely be a superficial veneer? Why do unhappy couples party a lot and laugh a lot? Why do we pretend we never fight with our parents? That they never threaten to disown us? That we never comtemplate suicide, self-destruction in various ways? That people cheat on each other? That we resent it, no matter what role we are forced to play? Why are we forced to play these roles? Why are we rarely honest? Why do we have to change our opinion or modifyit in company? Why does that denote 'respect', rather than an honest debate? Why is drinking or smoking in front of elders not 'respectful', but condoned otherwise? Why are there so many things we routinely pretend not to know, and so many things we routinely pretend we do? Why are we afraid of being laughed at, of failing, or leaving, of crying, of being vulnerable? Why do we need to 'believe' in something greater to be strong? Why do we hide behind veiled truths in religion? Why don't we deem ourselves responsible?

I haven't found a good answer yet. "Thats just the way we are" doesn't cut it.

Am going to Calcutta for a few days tomorrow so will probably only blog next thursday. Leaving you with thoughts and much displaced love,

Princess Joya