Whoa...

So much stuff has happened the past few days I feel knocked speechless in one fell swoop by a huge gust of tidings! My best friend got engaged suddenly, my sister left last night, another friend is getting engaged on saturday... all this in the space of a short week. I feel rootless now.

Ive discovered that I really have changed. I used to be so expressive before, and now the more upheaval there is in my life, the more I clam up. This results in random outbursts at my mother and tears for no apparent reason. Though if I'm really honest with myself, I guess most of this emotion has to do with self-pity and a conscience that's ashamed of itself for feeling that way. Self-pity not just because I feel left behind, though that's a somewhat latwer realisation, but resentment at the fact that my friends' and sister's lives are now filled with all these new people that they must pledge allegiance to, while forgetting/ignoring me, whether they want to or not. And more often than not, they are not even aware of this, because they get so caught up in a new web of social and familial relations. Hence the guilt on my part.

How do I separate the happiness I feel for them from the much more palpable sensation of my loss? I've definitely become better at smiling and pretending, albeit after much trial and error and a rather public (but relatively unseen) fit of tears on a particular dance floor :) I guess it comes with growing up and maturing or whatever, but sometimes the easiest way for me to handle my emotion and to protect myself is to show the person I love that I don't feel anything at all. And I know that that has hurt the people I love, because they wrongly (though how can I blame them?) feel that I'm NOT happy for them, when all I'm doing is hiding my pain from them because I don't want to mar their happiness. Unfortunately my wit and good cheer manifests itself as sarcasm!

I guess it struck me a little more when one of my friends since college saw my engagement pictures and exclaimed over how thin I look and how withered my face has become. I was horrified - dammit, didn't the layers of makeup cover anything??? I'm only 23, dammit! Upon looking closer, i noticed (which I have been for the past few weeks) that my face has hardened. It no longer has the softness and innocence it once had - faith, cheer and an ability to see wonder and beauty and goodness in everything and everyone. Sure, it was sassy and knowing before as well, but that was out of a sense of humour and naive ideals of independence more than anything.

When I get too querulous, I sometimes ask myself, what has happened in my life to make me sucha sourpuss grump? I haven't been physically abused, or raped, or disinherited, or betrayed, or killed, or been addicted to anything, or been pregnant, or anything. All I've experienced are some minor teenage heartbreaks (which are completely normal and unspecial though they seemed very real and immense at the time), a bit of psychological abuse at the hands of people with problems of their own, that despite my suffering at the time, I'm sure helped me grow, I've been blessed with some faithful friends and some flighty ones, but very few of whom have severely disappointed me, parents who love me and who do try to understand me despite their occasional frustration at the failure or their inability to understand why I simply cannot accept the way things are and their tendency to blame all my shoortcomings on the novels I read. All the problems I have in the world are summed up in my inability to deal with them, simply because I'm an aimless, unambitious, undedicated coward, or that they're outside my locus of control, and dependent on another's will/whims. So really, until I face up to my own issues, what do I really have to whine about?

Courage, dear child!

This has turned out to be a somewhat half-hearted post, so I shall redeem it with the following:

Two songs that are in my head, now that I'm woeful:

Aadat remix fromthe movie Kalyug ( by Jal)

juda hoke bhi/ tu mujhme kahi baki hain/ palkome banke aansoon/ tu chali aati hai/juda hoke bhi...

waise zinda hoon aay zindagi bin tere mein, dard hi dard baki rahaan hai seeney mein...saans lena barhir yahan jeena nahi hai,ab to aadat si hai mujhko aise jine mein

...juda hoke bhi ... tu mujhme kahi baki hain...palkome banke ansoon ... tu chali aati hai...

saat mere hai tu har pal shabke andhere mein.. paas mere hai tu hur dum ujhle savere mein...dil se dhadkan bhula dena aasaan nahi hain...ab to aadat si hai mujhko aise jiney mein

...juda hoke bhi, tu mujhme kahi baki hain, palko mein banke ansoon, tu chali aati haiii...

...ye jo yaadein hain (2) sabhi kaante hain...katado inhain (2) mitado innhai... .

ab to aadat si hain mujhko...

and Ye Hai Meri Kahani by Strings, from the film Zinda:

Yeh hai meri kahani/Khamosh zindagani/Sannata keh raha hain/Kyon zulm seh raha hain/

Ek dastaan purani/Tanhaye ki zubani/Har zakhm khil raha hain/Kuch mujhse keh raha hain

[Chubte kante yaadon ke/Daaman se chunta hoon/Girtee deewaron ke/Aanchal mein zinda hoon]

Bas yeh meri kahani/Benishan nishaani/Ek dard beh raha hain/Kuch mujhse keh raha hai

[Chubte kante yaadon ke/Daaman se chunta hoon/Girtee deewaron ke/Aanchal mein zinda hoon](Male voice reciting poetry)

Ab na koi paas hain/Phir bhi aehsas hain/Syahiyon mein uljhi padi/Jeene ki ek aas hain/Yaadon ka jungle yeh dil/Kaanton se jalkar yeh dil/Chubte kante yaadon ke/Daaman se chunta hoon/Girtee deewaron ke/Aanchal mein zinda hoon…

*sniff*

Vague translations to follow if I have any requests! I don't promise either accuracy or the same depth of feeling though, so I'll request help from you Urduphiles out there!