Sobering Suicide and Sensational Speculation

We got back from the circus on Saturday only to have mom tell us of the suicide of Cherisma Kadakia. She was visibly stunned before she knew her parents (I had become briefly acquainted with her at a party last year though our acquaintance didnt extend beyond an enjoyable conversation on the drive home).

Though there was much speculation initially, it was recently confirmed that she had Bipolar Disorder, that she had attempted suicide by slitting her wrists before, and that her potential in-laws had decided to wait till she was completely cured before confirming marriage plans wih their son. (Initially there was speculation about a disagreemen between her and her boyfriend's mother, about her parents' disapproval of the visible difference in social status, etc).

Dad, when reading the assorted newpaper reports, expressed his puzzlement and complete disapproval of her suicide, calling suicide weak and irresponsible, and I sympathised, saying that there is still so much pressure on women, subtle as it may be, to make an engagement or a marriage work, and that they are constantly expected to compromise/sacrifice etc, that the line isnt readily visible to a girl who is educated and so liberated, superficial as that term is in our society. Sometimes she has no one to turn to and does buckle under the pressure. Its perfectly normal to think about it as an option when the going gets tough, because its the only concrete way to make everything STOP once and for all, and I think it also takes immense guts (which must stem from immense emotional upheaval) to actually go and commit the act. So in a twisted way, suicidal people are actually brave enough to somehow put an end to the trouble they are being caused.

Anyway parents went to see hers on Sunday, and they returned visibly shaken. They urgently called us to them and said that her parents were completely shattered, and that since both of us are engaged, if we ever feel that we are really upset or tehre is no way out, to know that their doors are always open to us, and that we should just call and come home, and if we cant, theyll send us the ticket. And I kept thinking somehow "What happens after they pass on?" And it really upset me, this talk with them, and I started crying then and there. I mean, how different am I from her? She was also educated abroad - that didnt make her more independent emotionally. She was relatively well off, fairly pretty, sweet, with varied interests - that didnt make anyone be nicer to her or appreciate her. What defines normal and what dysfunctional? What type of shit is a woman expected to take, that is considered 'normal' in a man-woman rleationship, and what is she not supposed to tolerate? How is she supposed to react when something she wants doesnt happen or something she doesnt want to happen does? How does she cry for help when no one listens? How does she tell the truth when she is made to feel like the boy who cried wolf? When do you take someone you've already written off in despair seriously? When does s/he stop being your responsibility?

Like that forward about the boy who was going to commit suicide that weekend but who doesnt because his schoolmate offers to help him carry his books and hangs out with him over the weekend and grows into a social, successful human, I wonder if anything positive could have developed had I continued my acquaintance with her. I still have her number on my cellphone - a number I never called. I know its silly to think of it that way - she was after all, undergoing psychiatric treatment, and I wasnt involved in her life at all, and who am I to judge someone when all I did was have ONE conversation with her, when all she seemed was a bit lonely.

Even the building seems shocked at the loss. A circular that informs society of any events, functions or condolence meetings mentions the cruel hands of destiny snatching away the life of the young and vibrant Cherisma. Its dramatic, but apt and sympathetic, which is more than I can say of the muck-raking reporters. Weve been asked by a number of people we know if we or anyone we know will give quotes to assorted papers, and my parents were so angry at that. Quotes are not facts. More often than not, they involve individuals trying to get their own 15 seconds of fame on someone else's tragedy. My parents were saying that these media people have no respect for the privacy of someone's grief, and issues the family itself must face. What will it do but sell papers, provide cheap fodder for gossip and criticise? Yes, all media is powerful, but there is a difference as to what should be dwelled on and what not. And only one article I have seen has tried to use this example to deal with a very common issue of relational problems constructively, however trite it may seem.

Rest in Peace, Cherishma, and may God take you to a happier life.

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One thing about the suicide however, is that it got all this speculation going about Grand Paradi Apts, where Cherisma lived, and where there have been a number of other suicides and also accidental deaths. And people have some very stupid theories. Some people say that something is wrong with the vaastu of the building, some say it has to do with the Tower of Silence positioned behind it, and the ghosts and all of the dead bodies waiting to be eaten there, etc. One moron also says this stupid thing. Now please tell me how these people can be considered as engaging in one-upmanship? One-upmanship is when you are competing with someone to be better than them in some way - not when you are refusing to interact with someone because you dislike them. In the case of the Dalals, they were widely disliked, and for fairly good reasons. Old parents dont commit suicide just like that. And Grand Paradi's social setup is such that it consists of fairly traditional joint families, or nuclear families with teenage children, with a fairly strong communitarian spirit, such that it is likely to disapprove of any sort of delinquent behaviour and keep well away from people who engage in them. Thats just the way it is - some more so than others, depending on the extremity of the crime perceived to have been committed.

And as to the frequency of deaths occuring in it - use your brains people - Grand Paradi comprises 3 tall buildings, with a variety of communities and family types - of course some deaths, accidental or otherwise, are likely to occur!

Its just really annoying some of the nonsense people will talk about - any chance to talk about the supposedly (relatively) well-off - talk about the green-eyed devil - if its not snarky celebrity gossip about bodies and clothes then its gloating over the unfortunate fate of some civilians - get over yourselves scoopers!